LEARNING TO LIVE AS LAST 💙

Loneliness. The strings of my heart pull me toward…no one.

I loved being his wife. I loved the commitment of marriage that allowed a safe space for me to be me. To explore who I was and who I wanted to be without fear of being left behind.

I loved that I was his first thought each morning as he glanced over with sleepy eyes and each night as he’d kiss me before we slept. 

I loved being his first priority. A good enough reason to rearrange a life and make a new one together.

And I loved having him as my first. I loved looking over and seeing him sleep peacefully by my side. I loved sharing a meal, sharing a laugh, sharing a life.

I miss it tremendously. I miss all the things unique to him — his dynamic personality, his wicked sense of humor, his brilliance, and his ability to make a friend wherever he went.

But I also miss being his first. Behind the many doors of loneliness is the desire to be a priority in someone’s life.

We have our friends, but since he passed, I lost the one who made me first. I lost my husband and he lost his wife. And that meant I lost being the most important person to someone.

Maybe part of learning to live with loneliness is really just learning to live with being second. Or third. Or last.

That you won’t be the first thought, the first message, the first call, the first kiss, the reason someone decides one thing over the other. You won’t be privy to inside jokes or be asked first to share a meal, and movie, anything.

I’m learning now that learning to live with loneliness is simply learning to live as last. 💙

#laughterafterdeath #lookingintherearviewmirror #itsme #lifebeginsnow