Twenty years ago I met my late husband in college. We met the old fashioned way, married, had a small army of children and lived happily ever after.
Well, all but the last. I buried him after a valiant and brave fight with cancer.
So here I stand, as single as a snowflake. A friend of mine suggested using one of these new-fangled dating apps to snag husband number two. Given my profession, I’m a firm believer in full disclosure, so below is a would-be profile for whatever is the latest and greatest way to a man’s heart.
Name: Melissa
Age: 29
Bio: Pay no attention to the legion of demons that are running around me, calling me mom. I have no idea who they are or why they keep asking for money for snacks at school. Speaking of money, I have none. It all goes to toilet paper and Cheez-its for my five little human garbage disposals.
I’m looking for someone with the experience of a widower, the energy of an 18 year old, intelligence of Einstein and an uncanny ability to make me feel beautiful when I’m tired and cranky, which is roughly 365 days out of every year.
You: You’ll have zero percent body fat, a full head of hair, endless energy, love kids because I’ll be pawning them off on you every weekend to laze on the sand, and be smart enough to help them with this Common Core madness that I can’t make sense of. You’ll be a great cook, because I hate cooking after 18 years of slaving away in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. You’ll also make a nice seven figure income to pay for my kids’ college and for a facelift for me. 29 is starting to look a little ragged on me.
You’ll also be a regular church attendee (doesn’t matter where) because, trust me on this, you’ll need God’s help in divine amounts if you come anywhere near this girl and her kids.
Oh, and you’ll also answer to Jeeves because you’ll be doing double duty as the family butler.
Looking forward to enslaving…er…meeting you!
😁💙😁💙
#laughterafterdeath #lookingintherearviewmirror #lifebeginsnow #itsme