If I had to do it all over again.
I’m constantly amused at the shocked looks on people’s faces when I tell them I never wanted to have kids. Or get married for that matter. All I wanted was what we never had. I wanted fancy things and lawyerly notoriety.
I saw what went into making a marriage and raising kids, and I’d decided fairly early on I’d opt for the high-paying job and high-end car, and opt out of working way too hard for zero recognition and even less pay. In other words, I’d leave the wife and parenting thing to someone else.
Then I met my husband at the tender age of 21 and my entire life plan went out the window and what flew back in was a married woman asking for kid number five.
I can’t describe the exhilaration of bringing new life into the world, much less five times over. And I’ve never seen a jaw drop so fast as my Bankruptcy Law Professor’s when I returned to law school four weeks after my baby was born, and I boldly stated I wanted FIVE kids.
We were a team, and we were building an empire. He was overjoyed at the prospect of grandkids and retiring by the beach. That was our plan. And it was a good one.
Then on our wedding anniversary he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was fortunate enough to be seen by one of the best oncologists for his type of cancer, and lucky enough to get on a few different trial drugs which extended his life expectancy quite drastically.
Five years later he was gone.
I look back and wonder this…
Would I do it all over again knowing what I know now? Having suffered, watched my husband go through various treatments and surgeries and radiation, and cried as my children’s desire for a normal father and a normal family be snuffed out so mercilessly?
Yes. Yes, I’d do it all over again.
As suddenly as cancer came into our lives, he came into mine 21 years ago. He made me a better me. And in an interesting way, the cancer did too.
What ended up killing him, ended up making me. I can begrudge the last 7 years of suffering or choose to take it and make it.
Today, I’m making it.
I am. The kids are. We are.
Together đź’™
#laughterafterdeath #lookingintherearviewmirror #wanderingwidow #itsme #lifebeginsnow